Emma, Where are My Socks?

The Reason for the Title…
Last week I began posts covering my “children” starting with son Byron, revealing what he “brought to the table” in helping me through his dad’s dementia and death and through my subsequent year of “Grief Fog”–though Byron and his sisters were certainly experiencing grief as well. This week I spotlight middle kid Emma and her specific skill sets that BLESSED MY SOCKS OFF, thus the title of this post!!

The Picture…
I was wondering what to picture with that blog post title, and just happened to come across a picture of Emma wearing my own personal “NAP TIME” socks (spelled out on the bottom of the socks). She was taking a nap on my couch at the condominium I had rented, when I took Denny in after his stay at the transitional nursing facility. Everyone was exhausted…especially Emma, since she was also dealing with a toddler!

Again, in reminder, I am sharing these posts in hopes that you might see what can be helpful as YOU watch friends and relatives go through similar difficulties. I’m hoping you might consider reaching out with your gifts and abilities on their behalf.

Organizing this post: What Emma “brings to the table”.
Emma has worn several hats while blessing my socks off:

1. Little Emma:
   …as a little caring sweetheart evolving into an adult composed of equal sweetness
2. Load-sharing Emma:
   …verifying Den’s decline
3. Levelheaded-and-Longsuffering Emma
   …countering her mom’s “crazies” / always there for both her dad and mom, no matter the situation
4. Liability Emma along with Laramie-Laptop Emma:
   [Emma was not the Liability!]
   …knowing I would be liable for what Denny was starting to charge up through his laptop, she helped intercept and saved the day
5. Legal-Mumbo-Jumbo-Translator Emma:
   …went with me to meet with lawyers. I was just extra baggage: She ran the show!
6. Let’s-Go-With-Home-Hospice Emma:
   …Her brilliant idea, based on our meeting with the Eldercare attorney
7. Loving-Mother-of-a-Toddler Emma:
   …bringing smiles in the midst of dark times
8. Ludicrous-Poop-Team-Participant Emma:
   …willing to be whatever was needed

1. LITTLE EMMA

FIRST… let me tell you about Emma as a little child, because everything she was at that time is what she is now. I am amazed that a person carries their personality traits through their whole lives, but I see that in all three kids. Emma was so sweet. She was a very sensitive little child with a kind, caring heart. I remember when we were all going for a walk around Laramie’s Washington Park path one day, when Byron–full of a young boy’s energy–ran far ahead of us all. Then Teresa and I were fast walkers, so we were starting to “break away from the pack” in pursuit of Byron. Emma was starting to go with us, but she noticed Denny, with his bad ankle [broken as a young man when he foolishly jumped off a cliff in the Snowy Range Mountains one night by moonlight. He thought it was just a few feet down…oops…] Thus, Denny had to walk more slowly. So Emma turned back, took her Daddy’s hand and walked slowly with him. I’ll never forget that sweet scene.

That very same sweet, caring heart shone through adult Emma as we went through the whole ordeal with Denny during his dementia up until his death. But in addition, her grown-up self has accumulated a lot of knowledge in law, having worked for a lawyer for some time down in Louisiana. The experience she gained ended up being so useful to us. And it doesn’t hurt that she happens to have a can-do attitude, always thinking through problems and figuring out next steps… extremely appreciated by yours truly. I’ll cover in this post how all of that played out in Denny’s last years….

2. LOAD-SHARING EMMA

I remember Emma coming up from Louisiana to Wyoming to show off her little baby. She was so excited to have her Daddy see his first grandchild! Denny was always GREAT with kids, talked in “their language”, loved to bounce them around and coo at them. But he didn’t even come close to showing that kind of interest in Emma’s little guy. Both Emma and I were surprised…disappointed…and worried. Denny was uncomfortable not only with the baby, but just even being upstairs instead of in his basement retreat. He would emerge from the basement sporadically and peek in to say hi, but would descend back to his refuge quickly. Emma agreed with me that something wasn’t right. I was grateful someone else was there experiencing Denny day by day along with me. It REALLY helped to have a second pair of eyes as well as someone to talk to about the situation.

Another Load-Sharing Group: This paragraph doesn’t have anything to do with EMMA, but a lot with Load-Sharing, so I’m including it here. We were able to get Denny in to see the geriatric doctor in Laramie. The doc had Denny go through some mental testing with a fella in town. His report was sent to the doctor, who then confirmed that Denny had dementia. The doctor recommended I started going to a dementia support group that was meeting weekly at our Laramie’s Perkins Restaurant. I was SO grateful for that sweet group of people. They understood my situation, and in turn taught me so that I could move forward more confidently.

3. LEVEL-HEADED AND LONG-SUFFERING EMMA

I was and still am grateful for Emma’s calm presence. If you read my post, “Water, water, everywhere!”, you’ll remember that Emma comforted her Daddy when I had lost MY mind! In that post, we didn’t know he had dementia at that point, so I could not figure out how he could be flooding the basement over and over! Denny would come upstairs, and say in a hushed voice to Emma, “Your mom is really upset!” Emma would comfort him and calm him down. Thank you AGAIN, Emma.

4. LIABILITY EMMA and LARAMIE-LAPTOP EMMA

Around that time, I noticed some big charges Denny was making on his computer, using our joint credit card. Emma and I even noticed one day that a rather large, long box came for Denny. I told him such had come and that it was on the table if he wanted it. He scurried up and took it quickly down into a bedroom right next to the bathroom. Emma said she checked in that bedroom later, and the box his treasure had come in was opened up on the bed. It was filled with styrofoam and had carried a large sausage! Hahah!

A fella in my dementia support group strongly encouraged me to stop Denny’s access to finances immediately. He said finances can get way out of whack FAST with someone in dementia. He had a friend whose spouse racked up thousands and thousands of dollars online. They told me I needed to get a Power of Attorney for Denny, which would be needed in order to remove him from the checking account. Then they said to take him off any credit cards, removing the cards from his wallet and computer. Gosh, all of that was hard to do for the husband with whom I’ve walked through life. I felt so evil and mistrustful even THINKING of doing all of that. But Emma and I knew we had to listen to those who spoke from experience.

So, we had to remove the credit card from Denny’s laptop and from his online accounts where he ordered things. We had to wait until Denny left his bathroom and went to take a nap in the bed, because he kept his laptop on a little table in the bathroom, where he spent most of his time. So as soon as I noticed he had gone into the bedroom, I scurried into the bathroom and retrieved the laptop. It was coated with toilet paper dust!!

Emma took on the job of removing all the financial information from his laptop and from places he ordered from frequently. I remember Denny calling me on his cell phone later that day, saying he wanted to order something, but he didn’t have the credit card number any longer. Emma told me to tell him to let me know if he needed something, and I would order it for him if possible. Thank you, Emma, for standing by me and helping me work that all out. I still get shaky thinking back on that time.

5. LEGAL-MUMBO-JUMBO-TRANSLATOR EMMA

In Laramie
So, we then had to hire a lawyer who would come to our house and draw me up a Power of Attorney document. My Dementia Support Group leader told me of a lawyer in town who was excellent to work with on such issues. So I called him and asked if he made house calls, because Denny was so nervous going out of the house. The lawyer was happy to help us with that. The day he came, Emma, Denny and I all sat with him around our dining room table. The lawyer explained to Denny that the doctor had diagnosed Denny with dementia. He further explained that in cases like his, it is important to have someone signed in as Power of Attorney in order to care for Denny going forward.

So Denny had to agree to my being Power of Attorney–he had to sign over his privileges to me. So this was a difficult meeting. We found out that the lawyer had gone to school with Denny, and they knew each other well. I’m sure that made it even more difficult for Denny, since the lawyer was there on such difficult business. But we got through the uncomfortable but necessary meeting. And Emma was present at the signing and encouraging her Daddy. I am so grateful for her support. That was a hard day for all of us.

And it didn’t stop there. I then had to take my new Power of Attorney and the doctor’s report that verified Denny’s dementia to the bank and asked them to take Denny off the account, then print checks just in my name. That was hard too.

In Colorado Springs
When Denny had his leg break and was sent from the Laramie hospital down to the Transitional Nursing Facility in Colorado Springs, Emma was there to help drive our stuff down. All the family had something they were driving for us. It was a family affair. But once settled in the Springs, it wasn’t long before the facility was not making progress with Denny and was planning to excuse him from their care. Emma made an appointment with an Eldercare Attorney, and both of us went to talk about issues – how to care for Denny, what the options were down the road, etc.

It was so far over my head. I was grateful Emma was with me and understood all the legalese. As I said previously, Emma had been working for a lawyer down in Louisiana, and she knew the drill. She took notes furiously while I stared blankly. Then we left and hashed through our options while driving back to my condominium. Emma was concerned that if we placed Denny in an assisted living/dementia facility, Medicare could basically take all MY assets to pay toward that. They could take the house and property to pay such bills. Emma was trying to protect my future as well as her daddy’s.

6. LET’S-GO-WITH-HOME-HOSPICE EMMA
After the meeting with the eldercare attorney, Emma was weighing all the options while she was driving me back to my condo. She began thinking out loud and said, “I wonder if Dad would be approved for Home Hospice.” So she didn’t beat around the bush, but immediately called Hospice and asked. The nurse she talked to said she herself would go perform an evaluation on Denny at the transitional nursing facility. That Hospice nurse met with the transitional nursing home nurses, doctors, then performed her own assessment on Denny as well. Then she called us back to say that Denny was a perfect fit for Home Hospice. You can’t imagine how wonderful that was to hear. Hospice PAYS for everything. They brought their own equipment for him – the bed, oxygen machine, wheel chair, etc etc. They paid for the EMT’s and the ambulance ride from the transitional nursing facility to my condominium. And the Hospice nurses were phenomenal. I am so grateful Emma knew what she was doing, and that she was with me anytime we had to talk to important people. She led the conversations, caring so much for both Denny AND me, making sure we were doing what was best for each of us.

7. LUDICROUS-POOP-TEAM-PARTICIPANT EMMA
Then, as I mentioned in an earlier post, Emma and Teresa learned how to do the CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) skills with me for Denny. All three of us would help him. He couldn’t get out of bed, so we had to turn him, change him, etc. I am so grateful for their willing help and love for their Daddy and coming alongside ME with a very daunting task.

After Denny passed and we started preparing for his funeral, Emma put together this poster of pictures (below) for the funeral. It is hanging in my entryway hallway now. She did a lovely job. I often stand in that hallway and enjoy the memories. Thank you, Emma!

8. LOVING-MOTHER-OF-A-TODDLER EMMA
Yeah, it didn’t hurt that Emma had an entertaining toddler. That sweet little boy kept us chuckling in the midst of a sad situation. Even though Denny didn’t have the reaction to Emma’s little toddler that we had hoped, WE found much joy in that little fella’s presence during the whole time up in Laramie as well as in Colorado Springs.

Pictures below…
are intended to illustrate what joy a little toddler can bring to such a difficult passage of time.
Top Left: Her toddler preferred a standing desk when reading his books.
Middle: Second to a standing desk was to sit in Mommy’s lap for special stories!
Top right: That picture was taken when he was on a trip with his mommy and Uncle Byron. Emma got him that new hat that made us all smile.
Bottom Left: Yours truly, Emma and little sweetie taking refuge from the rain under Grandma’s umbrella
Bottom Right: Little sweetie taking his very first park swing ride. A little scary, but as long as he kept his eyes on his encouraging mommy, he survived!!

And a Footnote:
Emma has continued to keep close, helping me through my year of grief fog by checking out my finances, by looking at documents that scared me that came in the mail, by taking me to a church she found that was welcoming. I became a member of that church recently, and when Emma and her little boy are in town, they join me for Sunday church. As I mentioned in Byron’s post, the kids try to do weekly family Psalm studies with me. I am beyond blessed to be among this family, treasuring it for the time, since I know life can change fast. I am grateful for the moment that we can all spend time with one another. I pray it has been as healing for all three kids as it’s been for me. And Emma, THANK YOU for being your sweet, kind, thoughtful self to BOTH your father and to me. We have truly been blessed by such an angel as you. May your little tyke be such a support to YOU as he grows up.

Next Week: Please be looking for a spotlight on my third “wunderkind”: Teresa, aka, “Mama T” !