Byron Hitchcock…to the Rescue!

In my last post (“Grief Fog”) I told you I would be revealing the skill sets of my relatives and friends as they stepped out to help me through my husband’s dementia, his death, and my subsequent year of “Grief Fog”. I am hopeful such posts will show you what can be helpful as you watch friends and relatives go through similar difficulties. Consequently, I am hoping you will reach out and “pass along the joy” by using your gifts and abilities on their behalf!

Organizing this post: What Byron “brings to the table”.
I’ll first focus on my first “kid” – Byron. He has helped me out in several ways…six ways, actually, as I reflect on his contributions over time:

1. “Can Do” Man
2. Constancy
3. Finances
4. Health-wise: physical exercise
5. Health-wise: nutrition/diet
6. Spiritual

1A. BYRON – The “Can-Do-It” Man

Though the memory I’ll share with you in this first section doesn’t relate to dealing with Denny’s dementia, it shows an example of Byron’s gift of “coming alongside” to help me through a rough time.

One summer when Byron came to stay with us in Laramie for a time upon his return from Brazil, I had decided to start taking a class a semester at the university (along with my full-time job at the Fay W. Whitney School of Nursing). I wanted to work toward a degree in writing and photography, since those skills were what I used and needed most in my job; thus I wanted to better myself.

So before my normal classes started in the fall, I decided to get my feet wet that summer and took the Freshman Speech class–one of the first classes I needed on my slate toward the degree I wanted to gain. Summer classes are intense. You don’t have a whole semester to get all that is offered in the normal class. Instead of meeting 3x/week in a regular semester, we met every day of a 5/day week throughout the summer term. So we were giving speeches EVERY day, instead of preparing and giving one speech a week. And I was still working full-time at my main job, fyi. And working daily in the evening at my second, part-time job. And I was probably in my 60’s and the students were probably not even in their 20’s yet!

I came home after one of the first classes in tears. I had decided I was going to drop the class. Byron sat me down and said something like, “Mom, you want to take classes so badly. You can do this. You just haven’t been in a college climate for a long time. I’ll teach you how to study and how to prepare for your speeches.” So he did everything he said he would. He coached me through that class… and on the last day, when I found out I had been given an “A” for the course, he and I went out for a celebration. He helped me win that grade! And helped me develop confidence in myself so that I could tackle any class …. or any challenge forthcoming! I had no idea as to what the challenges were going to be down the road. I just thought I would be taking more and harder classes. Instead I was headed into a “LIFE” class…

1B. BYRON – The “Can-Do-It” Man during Denny’s end-of-life trials

The Driver
When Denny broke his leg, ended up in the hospital, and then was to head from Laramie to the transitional nursing facility in Colorado Springs, the kids quickly mobilized to help us. Byron’s contribution was to rent a van that could accommodate Denny in the back with his out-stretched leg in a cast. So Byron came up from the Springs with the van he had rented; Byron and the nurse somehow got Denny positioned in the back; then Byron drove him all the way to the Springs, regaling him with classical music on the speakers all the way.

Visitor and Entertainer

Once we were settled, Byron and when possible, his wife Tori were frequent visitors at the nursing facility. When I got sick and couldn’t come to the facility for something like three weeks due to my awful cough, Byron, Tori, Emma and Teresa came together to play music for Denny’s birthday at the facility. They wheeled him down to the entry area of the building, where there was a grand piano. I’m so sorry I missed that!!

A Cuppa Coffee does wonders

Once I made the move to the condominium, Byron would call to take me out to coffee or to go to lunch together on occasion. Again, those were wonderful times. Such simple gestures, but so needed and helpful.

Night Nurse
And on Denny’s last night and day in that condominium prior to his death, Byron cancelled out of an orchestra performance he was involved with to be with Denny and family. I was SO grateful for that. I might have mentioned this in another post, but it is important, so I’ll retell.

The day before Denny died, all of his medicines were changing radically. The nurse came to my condominium and had ordered completely different medicines. She was explaining what to give him when and how often. And if he was having trouble, we were to up the dose to something else, and if that wasn’t working, we were to call a number to tell the night nurse what was happening. Denny had several medicines. Some had to be refrigerated. Some were on the counter. I had quite a process lined up on my kitchen counter already, with signs as to when and what should be administered. But that was all thrown out the door now, because of the big changes in Denny. New drugs had been ordered and would arrive by courier around midnight.

So all the kids and I were standing in that kitchen listening to the nurse tell us what needed to happen. Byron looked across at me and must have seen my eyes crossed. He said, “I’ll stay here tonight, mom, and I will give Dad the medicines. You need some sleep.” I’m sure I must have cried then, because that was such a beautiful offer. I remember laying down on the couch (after midnight, when I met the courier with the package of Denny’s new medicines) with a blanket and my doggie Grover, and must have conked out hard. When I awoke, I panicked, thinking I missed giving Denny his medicines. I jumped up, ran into Denny’s bedroom, saw Denny holding a barf bag to his mouth and trembling pretty violently. I rushed to his side, apologizing profusely for sleeping through when he needed me. I got a sponge and was wiping his mouth and trying to clean up his mess, and blinking back tears. That was when Byron walked in and said, “Mom, I’ve been here all night. I have been giving Dad his medicines. You slept like you were supposed to. It’s okay.”

Thank you, Byron. That still brings tears to my eyes as I recall that scene. But Denny was not doing well. Byron had already called the nurse to report in. The nurse was headed over… and Denny’s last day had commenced.

After Den’s Death

I think one of the harder tasks we had to do was to go pick up Denny’s ashes. Byron drove me and met with the people. I could not have done that by myself.

2. CONSTANCY

Byron regularly calls, “just to check in”. Whatever I was going through at the time or am going through presently, Byron ALWAYS makes sure he is regularly calling to check on my status. He has had a way of being able to perceive when I am having trouble, and carefully works through problems with me for solutions. I found out a while ago that he actually puts us relatives in his calendar to make sure he checks up on each of us. I treasure those calls, knowing he cares, knowing he’s there to help work through any issues.

3. FINANCES

It’s sort of funny how much Byron loves to talk finances. He had read someone’s book –I believe during COVID, when he actually had the time– and it fired him up. He was so excited about it that his wife Tori told Byron’s sister Emma that for his birthday she should ask him to look at her finances–it would be his perfect birthday gift to himself! So she DID… and it WAS. Byron even sat down and explained a new way of tracking finances with ME once. It was over my head, so he made sure to simplify it and oversaw the creation of a table I needed to best track my money life. When life was in havoc with Denny’s fast move to Colorado Springs, Byron and Emma came to help me set up finances on a new computer system. I really needed the help then, since my brain was gone that year–even more so than usual!

4. HEALTH-WISE: PHYSICAL EXERCISE

Byron would come through town when back in Laramie and coax me out for walks. We liked to walk fast, so that was always invigorating and good for mind and outlook. He is a great walking buddy! Byron continued encouraging me out for walks once I ended up in Colorado Springs. The walks were so therapeutic during those difficult months with Denny. Walking makes talking happen, and that was needed in that rough time. Also, being in such a big city–and with some questionable folks hanging around by the river paths–Byron wanted to make sure I wasn’t walking alone in such areas. Now that I’m settled in a safer part of town and have a walking path behind my townhouse, I can walk by myself, but normally the girls are my new walking buddies, though Byron shows up when he can.

When we were first in the Springs and I was renting a condominium, there was a main building that housed exercise equipment for the renters. So Byron came and took me there and showed me how to use the machines. I actually went back one or two times by myself after that. (Isn’t that awful? I should have been there DAILY!!) He also showed me stretches and workouts I could do in my condominium, making sure I was keeping moving!

5. HEALTH-WISE: NUTRITION/DIET

THE DIET…
This section seems unrelated, but it is not at all. You’ll see how it dovetails into Denny’s dementia and care as I progress through this story. In #1 above, I talked about a speech class Byron encouraged me through. One of the students in the class was a physiology major. Every speech he gave was on eating right. He was incredibly determined to get his audience–the college students–out of junk food addiction and into healthy eating. In one speech, he brought in his bicycle and showed us how we could use the bicycle wheels to run a blender and make a healthy breakfast drink! Then he passed out little cups to everyone to let them know how GOOD his cup of health tasted… and told everyone their brains would work better and they’d get better grades! He was so passionate and creative!

One day after class, I asked the student some questions about his diet. He showed me a picture of himself just one year prior. He was a huge guy in that picture, looking nothing like the almost skinny fella walking beside me. I told him my husband and son were needing to lose weight for health reasons, so he handed me the book that had changed his life. He said the year prior his uncle threw the book on the couch for him to look at. He started reading it and was amazed how it followed what he was learning in his physiology books for school. He was genuinely intrigued and started following that book’s way of eating, noting that he was never hungry, felt so fulfilled, and lost so much weight! He was passionate about wanting to share with college students what he had discovered in eating healthy.

So I ordered the book and told Byron and Denny about it. We decided we would implement it right away. Denny’s doctor had told him he needed to lose weight quickly or he was in danger of going into diabetes. He was not yet diagnosed with dementia. So the “Eat to Live” diet ended up being a life-changer for all of us–because all THREE of us were eating the way the book recommended, and Byron was cooking the majority of the recipes. All of us had incredible energy. Everybody got their weight to a good place for a while. But Denny gravitated back to his old ways… and figured out how to secretly order his naughty foods, then hid them in the basement! He was quite a sneak in those dementia years!

DENNY’S FIRST HERNIA and COVID

During COVID in 2020, Denny developed a hernia. It was an umbilical hernia. I had never seen anything like that before and didn’t know that was what it was. I took a picture and sent it to the kids, and Emma – who was about to have a baby back in Louisiana – had read about umbilical hernias in her baby books and thus named it correctly for us. Byron did some research and saw that being overweight can make hernias worse … but if we could get Den’s weight back down (yet again), it might help the hernia not get so bad. We didn’t realize that the hernia was mainly getting bad because of Den’s violent coughing. But Byron drove all the way up from Denver to sit with me and make menus for what to cook for Denny to keep him healthy and improve his prognosis with the hernia. Byron worked SO HARD coming up with the next week’s meals and taped the menus to the refrigerator. Denny saw them and was livid. “No, I’m not going to eat that way!” He refused to see the sense in what Byron had researched. Both Byron and I were so frustrated. I think that was the biggest argument I’ve ever had with Denny in our marriage. But we didn’t know that Denny was already going into dementia. You just couldn’t reason with him. He was withdrawing. Long story shorter, Denny’s hernia got very bad very fast. By the next week the hernia had become incarcerated. Doc scheduled emergency surgery.

DIET DURING DENNY’S LAST YEAR, in COLORADO SPRINGS

The hospital and the doctors were in charge of what Denny ate once we made the trip to Colorado. Once he moved to Home Hospice, he got to eat some favorites, though his appetite was down. I think I had gotten into a habit of eating “right” from that Eat to Live diet philosophy. But when so much happened so fast with Denny, I seemed to forget all of that to a point. So Byron mentioned the philosophy again, and encouraged me to be making sure to pack in the nutrients. It’s amazing what all I needed to be reminded about!

It was interesting that Denny suffered yet another hernia that formed above the last surgery, likely from all his coughing. But we didn’t force any special foods at that time. That hernia was partially responsible for his death. Hernias are nothing to fool around with.

6. SPIRITUAL

I am so grateful for Byron’s determination to keep us studying the Bible together. We had been studying the book of James for what seemed like forever. It is now my favorite book in the Bible, I think. Byron always made sure we would have “take-aways” at the end of each study. We would list what was most important for our respective situations, and then talk about how we would apply that in our current lives. I am so grateful for his organized mind, his desire to learn deeply, and his determination to keep his mom focused on what was and is most important.

Because of the “mind-blowing” few years we went through with Denny, his dementia, our move to Colorado Springs, Denny’s death, and my setting up a new life by myself… I needed constant reminder of what was indeed the most important, and Byron made sure to take me to his church and joined me when I visited a church Emma had found as well. He kept in touch with Bible studies, in order to keep ME in touch with my Lord, my Shepherd, my true Counsellor, and ultimately my Peace and my Savior. Thank you for “coming alongside”, Byron. You truly did what the Apostle Paul told the Thessalonians in 1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

7. AN APPROPRIATE ENDING

And now, I think of 2 Corinthians 1:4: “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” So, after receiving so much comfort from Byron and others while I was “in affliction”, I hope to comfort others in that same way. And I hope you readers will do the same, as you see folks going through difficult times.

Thank you, Byron, for beautifully modelling such comfort to me through the last handful of years. And you are continuing to model such comfort secondhand through this blog to anyone who has persevered through this long story!

Next week, we will do a post on second kid, Emma,
and all she beautifully “brought to the table”.
Thank you for joining me in my journey of appreciation.