We are taking a break this week from reviewing past posts for life take-aways, but will return to that subject in about 5 weeks. My daughter Teresa and I were talking this week about the full year following Denny’s death, where I actually worried that I had dementia. I couldn’t make decisions, was terribly forgetful (even more so than normal!)–was truly in a fog. So Teresa aptly named it “Grief Fog” this week. I referenced that mental state a bit in my March 2024 post, “What Happened Update 3-2024” (though we didn’t yet call it “Grief Fog”).
I realized that I need to go deeper into describing the “Grief Fog” to show folks not only what was difficult or impossible for me to handle during that year, but specifically what was needed to help me survive. I want to cover that–not for my own sake or trying to get your pity–but am looking outward… (1) keeping an eye out for those who are suffering, who are going through such a time, hoping to give them encouragement as to how to move forward; and (2) telling other folks about the “phenomena” so that they can be ready to support friends and relatives who are going through such a time as well.
“Don’t Make Big Decisions”– as if we had a choice…
I have heard that you should not make any big decisions for a year following a tumultuous life event. Well, wouldn’t that be great if you can swing it?! But I had many events all in the same year and had no choice but to make major life decisions and major moves. I list them once again below, since…
(a) I have found that each big event had different impacts on my family and me, requiring different resources to deal with them, and
(b) through upcoming posts, want to delineate not only what all was needed to survive and move through each event/decision, but want to name just who provided for particular needs and how they “fit the bill” so beautifully…
I am hoping that such posts can encourage all of us to be intentional, looking to help fill a need for someone else going through such a tumultuous time.
Major Life Events …
That Forced Big Decisions
- Denny’s Dementia Diagnosis
Well, the tumultuous life event was that Denny was behaving strangely, made more tumultous by attaching a doctor’s diagnosis of Dementia. Wouldn’t that have been nice to have a year to deal with the thought of it all?! But BECAUSE of the diagnosis, we needed to make big decisions! The kids were trying to get me to move down to the Springs so they could help. So we were cleaning out the house to make it presentable for showing by a realtor. We had plans to take that year to get ‘er done. But everything took on a life of its own, like throwing a ball down the bowling alley, taking on forceful speed. No moseying that ball down the alley. We were on a speedy trajectory, unknowingly! - Denny’s broken leg following his dementia diagnosis:
I had no control over Denny falling out of bed and breaking his leg. I didn’t get a year to figure out what to do. I had to call the ambulance and get him to the hospital! - Denny’s transfer to the transitional nursing facility in Colorado Springs:
The hospital told me they had to send Denny to a facility that could deal with his many issues–not just a broken leg. He had bed sores and COPD–and developed pneumonia in the hospital–on top of the dementia…. The only choice we had to make–and we had one day to make it, not one year!–was to pick which transitional nursing facility that my insurance would cover. We picked the one in Colorado Springs, closest to where my three kids lived. - My need to move in with daughter Teresa so that I could be visiting Denny:
It was tumultous for me to move out of my home and come to Colorado Springs… and I imagine it was tumultuous for Teresa to take me INTO her home. But it wouldn’t have made sense for me to stay in Laramie! Too big of a drive to Colorado Springs. So we had to make the trip fast. - My catching a terrible sickness that had me down for over a month:
I certainly didn’t ask for THAT! But stress can make you sick, yes?! - A hurried rental of a condominium in Colorado Springs so we could bring Denny to a place for Home Hospice and have kids near to help:
We had to do it quickly, since all of the sudden the transitional nursing facility told us they would be moving him out in a week! We couldn’t see taking him back to Laramie for way too many reasons. We had to find something quickly in Colorado Springs. - Denny’s death:
We certainly didn’t plan THAT. - Necessary sale of our lifetime house in Laramie:
The kids knew that the house in Laramie was a heavy burden for me to carry by myself. So much work needed to be done on the home and property. I also didn’t want the kids to think they had to keep driving up to Laramie to visit me. The roads are so awful in winter. So we all made the decision that we would heal better together than apart. - Necessary purchase of a townhouse in Colorado Springs:
By the grace of God, we just happened to have a realtor in the family–my niece Jane–who negotiated a wonderful deal for me on a townhouse just down the street from daughter Teresa. It was to be available to me when I had to get out of the condominium, and the house in Laramie sold in time to use that sale to pay in full for the townhouse. We didn’t get a year to think about it. - Necessary garage sale at Laramie house:
As we tied up the sale of the Laramie house, we had to get a lifetime of stuff OUT of it…and I did not want to truck it to my smaller place! We couldn’t take a year to make that happen, since the house sold and we had to get the stuff out! - TWO moving days–first into the condominium, then another bigger move into the townhouse:
Both moves were stressful–mainly for daughter Teresa and husband Nick, who did most of the lifting, packing, driving the UHaul; then depositing my life’s baggage into both places. - Death of my sweet 18-year old doggie:
Ah, little Grover. So hard to give up my wonderful cute cuddly canine companion. - Getting used to living alone, in a big city, with terrible traffic:
Big stresses all of the sudden living alone–a little nervous being the only one in the house, especially at night.
And huge changes in driving for a small city motorist like me with a sore neck and weakening eyesight!
OMG, Do I Have Dementia Too???!!
We have all agreed in my family that it is no big wonder that my mind seemed “gone” for that first year. But having experienced my husband going through dementia, it was haunting me that I might be going into dementia as well, since my mind was so out of whack. But I am happy to report that the mind seems to have returned for the season, as I noted in an earlier post covering such a topic.
Helping Others Through a Grief Fog
Above are pictured my three “children” (left to right: Byron Hitchcock, Teresa Loafman, and Emma Guidry. They have basically been “parenting” ME through grief fog, even though they are experiencing their OWN grief fog in losing their dad. I am SO grateful for them. They all seem more mature than I am. How did that happen?
In THIS set of posts, I will be expressing how important it is to help folks through that first year following trauma. I plan to do a post on each of my individual “kids” as well as other relatives and friends, since they each brought something different and important into the equation as I needed support in a variety of areas. In delineating all of that, I hope to show what is needed to help someone ELSE through their Grief Fogs. We can all be looking out for one another. Some people won’t have adult children who can come alongside during such a time. But the sufferer will need SOMEONE to help! We all know our own skillsets and what we could do to help someone else out. Be thinking of offering your “skill” to someone in grief.
So Next Week…
We’ll start reviewing what my oldest child Byron brought to my rescue. It feels good to me to be on this new branch of blog posts, since I am excited to not only reveal the skill sets each of my relatives and friends brought to the table, but to encourage THEM with my gratefulness as I expose their individual gifting. Thank you for joining me on this journey of appreciation!
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Main picture attribution (of the man looking off the cliff into the foggy landscape):
Photo by <a href=”https://stockcake.com/i/solitude-above-fog_361313_207999″>Stockcake</a>