Hospice

“It” all happened so fast. But we didn’t KNOW it was going to happen fast. We were digging our heels in for a long, drawn-out struggle.

“It” – defined…
– Whatever was wrong with Denny seemed to get worse so fast.
– The Dementia. The Leg Break. The Hernia. The COPD. All of “it” came together into one big problem…so fast.
– The moving of Denny from home to Laramie, Wyoming hospital…so sudden.
– The moving from Wyoming hospital to Colorado Springs transitional nursing facility…SO fast.
– The moving from nursing facility to my condominium…eerily fast.
– The loss of the person I knew, the person I had married. The loss of his mind. The loss of his health. The loss of his life…unbelievably fast.

“It” – continued…
I couldn’t catch up with “it”. While we were in the midst of “it” I couldn’t get my mind around “it”. In fact, I got quite sick and MISSED three weeks of “it”… Three weeks of Denny’s last year of his life. I was so sick–my cough so bad–that the transitional nursing facility wouldn’t let me in to see him–no surprise since COVID was still a problem in health facilities. Denny kept calling me, “Why aren’t you coming to see me?” He had that short-term memory problem in dementia, so I had to keep telling him I couldn’t come see him until I got well. Thank goodness all our kids lived close by. All of them kept going in to visit with him, as did his sister and her husband. I was very grateful for family, once again.

Where to go after transitional nursing facility…
I was back to visiting Denny for I believe just a week, when the nursing transitional facility suddenly reported that they could not make any more progress with Denny. They were planning to dismiss him from the facility within a week, and we had to scurry. Daughter Emma and I made an appointment with a special lawyer to see what our options were. Everything was so expensive if we wanted to put him in a nursing home for care. We heard horror stories of any assets we had being “ripe for the taking” to pay for such care, leaving me without a home or resources down the line.

If we brought Denny home with us, we would need to hire nurses to come in to care for him. We weren’t sure what way to go. Then Emma said, “I wonder if he would be approved for Hospice.” The Hospice facilities were quite expensive, but we heard that Home Hospice was basically nothing. Insurance/Medicare paid for in-home Hospice. So Emma called to see if a Hospice nurse could evaluate Denny to see if he would be a candidate. The nurse made her visit, met with the transitional nursing facility team, studied his records and performed an assessment on Denny. She called back and said he was very much a candidate for in-home Hospice. So she set up a meeting with Emma and me to let us know what to expect.

The Preliminary Hospice Visit
The Hospice nurse who came to meet with us was incredibly wonderful, understanding, and compassionate. She lined out exactly what to expect. She told us what happens in death–what it is like when the body systems start shutting down. She was so gentle, so kind, but so precise. She kept emphasizing that this is part of life. She told us what medicines they would be providing according to what shape Denny was in. They would make sure to keep him comfortable. We didn’t need to worry about that. The nurse gave us the Hospice phone number to put on my refrigerator and told me I could call ANY time. They were ALWAYS there for me. They would send someone right over if they suspected a change in Denny’s situation.

The nurse also said that some people start getting better and would move OFF of Hospice. So that was something I was prepared for as well. I remember a lady in our Dementia Support Group in Laramie, whose husband kept going on and off Hospice…for over a year! So I was prepared to head that way with Denny.

Hospice Provision
I was stunned with all Hospice provided. A big moving van showed up outside my condominium. The driver wheeled in the hospital bed, a commode, a wheelchair, a walker, an oxygen generator and tubing. Hospice also provided the disposable blue gloves for everyone to wear who was needing to help with Denny. We didn’t have to pay a cent for any of that, nor did we have to pay for the delivery of it all. Hospice also provided Depends briefs, since we found Denny could not get out of the bed at all, once he came to the condominium. So, we didn’t need the commode or the wheelchair or the walker… and Hospice send their delivery man back to collect whatever we weren’t using.

Denny kept sliding down toward the end of the bed, and his feet would end up pushing up against the bottom railing. So the Hospice nurses even brought special velcroed-on slippers to cushion his feet. They thought of everything to keep him comfortable! But we family “nurses” knew how to keep sliding Denny back UP the bed, thanks to Teresa’s CNA training…

Medicine
Hospice had medicines sent to me directly by special courier. Most of the time the meds came late at night. A courier was having to bring them from Denver for some reason. But again, Hospice paid for the courier and the medications. They also sent some special medications that I was to put in a sealed container in my refrigerator. The nurse would let me know if and when to use those. They were basically the “end-time” meds to help Denny not be in pain, to relax him.

Enabling the Family for Patient Care
The CNA that Hospice provided taught the girls and me how to care for Denny. As I noted earlier, Teresa already knew “the ropes”, since she had taken CNA classes in high school. Emma and I were so grateful for Teresa’s tutoring! One memorable day, we three decided to go into MY bedroom and bed and practice on one another, learning how to turn “the patient” and apply adult diapers. It was rather funny that day, as I remember, since Emma’s little toddler was watching us practice. He was only 2 years old then. He thought we were hilarious, and especially thought it was funny that his mommy was wearing a diaper.

I also remember Denny thanking us all for our care of him. I know it was hard on him to see his daughters and his wife needing to provide such personal care. Bless his heart! I’m already hoping the kids don’t have to take care of me that way when the time comes, but everyone will do what has to be done when the time comes, and I understand that.

Unusual or Perhaps Seemingly Insensitive Stress Relief
One week was particularly stressful. Not only were we dealing with Denny and his issues and our newly learned skills, but Emma was dealing with some difficult toddler issues of a similar nature–having to clean up her van after toddler blow-outs, and I was dealing with some difficult geriatric DOGGIE issues of a similar nature–not getting Grover out of the Condo to the Doggie lawn in time. So at the end of a VERY huge trial of a week, on a Friday night, we named ourselves “The Poop Team” and wrote ourselves a song to commemorate the week and our victories. Hey, you need to do what you need to do. We laughed until we cried. And we are all somewhat glad that I couldn’t find the words that made up our victory song, since they may not have been appropriate for this post. But the moral of this story is that you do what you need to do to get through difficulties. My point is that it really helps to have a sense of humor.

I think often now of what MY death might be like, and if there would be similarities with having family around as we had with Denny. I would hope so. I would hope to go “out” to the sound of my family’s laughter, prayers and music. Bring a jigsaw puzzle in to wait through the time, play our favorite music, recite my favorite scriptures, please!–you know what those scriptures are, because I’ve plastered my new townhouse walls with them, just an fyi. Pray for peace and joy during this life happening. And laugh. [But don’t make ME laugh, cuz I’ll get the hiccups…. Not how I want to die…] That’s what I hope makes sense during my time of passing.

A friend of mine told me her mother always joked that she wanted to be buried with a fork in her hand so that she’d be ready to eat celebratory heavenly cake at the heavenly welcome banquet. So, in the hospital as her mother was passing, the whole family was in the hospital room playing puzzles, reading scripture, playing music…and laughing. My friend whispered to her mother that she had brought her a fork, and did she still want it buried with her in the casket? The mama–even though in somewhat of a coma–smiled hugely in agreement.

Last week with Hospice
I remember one night when Denny’s needs were changing radically. Our favorite Hospice nurse once again made a house call that evening. All my kids were there with me too. I remember all of us standing around the kitchen in my condominium, and the nurse detailing how the medicines would be changing, due to Denny’s status. That night we should expect a courier with new meds around midnight. We were even bypassing the special meds Hospice had me keep in a special container in my refrigerator. Denny would need stronger medicines than even what we had there. And the instructions for “what to give him and when to give it” completely bypassed my tired brain.

Byron was watching me as the nurse was explaining what was needed. He must have seen the deer-in-the-headlights look, and said, “Mom, I’ll stay here tonight and give Dad the meds.” Wow, what a wonderful thing to hear. I’m so grateful to this day and still tear up when I think about it. I stayed up until the courier came with the new crazy medicines. Then Byron took over for the rest of the night. Thank you, Byron…with tears in my eyes.

Reminding us what they told us!
The next morning Denny had declined yet further. Byron said he was going to call the nurse. I alluded to all this in a different post, but it bears repeating, especially since this post is dedicated to HOSPICE, and I want to give that Hospice nurse full credit for her beautiful work. She came quickly and told us this was likely Denny’s end time. So Byron called the rest of the family and they literally SPED over. I’m amazed no one got speeding tickets.

When we came in the room to check on Denny with her, she could see we were all upset and worried. She reminded us of our initial meeting with her. “Remember what I told you, what it looks like when different body systems start closing down. This is what is happening now.” My girls and I were upset about the look of his hands. She said, “That is what happens when the circulatory system closes down. He is not getting blood to his extremities, and that is normal. He is not in pain. He is fully medicated to help him through this time.”

My hope for all of us is that we have Hospice accompanying us through last days!
What a wonderful comfort it was to have Hospice nurses help us through those hard times, reminding us of everything they had told us. We felt like we had new family members and treasured them so much. Hospice also had their Hospice Pastor make a call. And a Hospice Social Worker came in to talk with me once as well. They were so ready to help with any issues. I can’t praise them enough for their kindness and services, taking care of Denny with such compassion, as well as comforting and guiding a grieving family. Our only regret is that they couldn’t continue to be a part of our family forevermore. We feel like we have had to grieve losing THEM as well as Denny with his passing.

NEXT POST:
Return next week for a post titled “Anxiety”