{"id":2307,"date":"2023-06-11T21:16:30","date_gmt":"2023-06-11T20:16:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/?p=2307"},"modified":"2023-06-17T20:06:02","modified_gmt":"2023-06-17T19:06:02","slug":"stockdale-paradox","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/2023\/06\/11\/stockdale-paradox\/","title":{"rendered":"Stockdale Paradox"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

NOTE:  The following post was written shortly before my husband died on April 30, 2023. <\/em><\/strong>
<\/em><\/strong>I have decided to post it as written, since it has valuable content. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This present time \u2013 being a caretaker for a loved one with dementia \u2013 may it teach me to be all that I can be for another human being. May it be the life event that defines me.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The above paragraph and the thought behind it did not come easily. I could not have typed that or even known what to think about it a year ago. But I\u2019m changing, thank goodness. That above thought evolved and deepened as I considered what Admiral Jim Stockdale said in a writeup by Jim Collins. The writeup is named the \u201cStockdale Paradox.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stockdale Paradox<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was introduced to the Stockdale Paradox at a faculty\/staff retreat before I retired from my beloved job at the University of Wyoming Fay W. Whitney School of Nursing. After the retreat, I searched online for the full story. Most of what I\u2019ve typed below came from Jim Collins\u2019 post<\/a> <\/strong><\/em>online about his talk with Admiral Stockdale:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

____________________________
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stockdale was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for seven-and-a-half years. Before meeting with the legendary soldier and statesman, Collins read Stockdale\u2019s memoir and found its grim details hard to bear, despite his knowledge that Stockdale\u2019s later life was happy. Collins wondered, \u201cIf it feels depressing for me, how on earth did he survive when he was actually there and did not know the end of the story?\u201d

When he posed that question to the admiral, Stockdale answered: \u201cI never lost faith in the end of the story. I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

____________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t try to make any parallels with Stockdale and me. Stockdale\u2019s predicament was horrific and beyond anything I could imagine. I am focusing on the last of Stockdale\u2019s sentence, \u201c\u2026that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.\u201d  I desperately want this present time of caring for my husband– who not only has dementia, but is now totally bedridden and on \u201cHome Hospice\u201d\u2014to be something I look back to, knowing I ministered to my husband in a beautiful way. I don\u2019t want to feel guilty and regret this time because I DIDN\u2019T step up! I want this experience to make me into a better human somehow. And above all, I want my husband to feel loved and cared for in the midst of such a scary experience. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am touched by the care my husband receives from the CNAs and nurses through Hospice. Those professionals should ALL be given medals for the service they provide for folks. They have a very difficult job. And they have taught my daughters and me how to provide some of that care. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mentioned earlier that it didn\u2019t come easy to me to ask for my new role to \u201cteach me to be all that I can be for another human being,\u201d that this new role might actually be the life event that defines me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why am I holding back in embracing my new role? Well, to be honest, I\u2019m squeamish. I don\u2019t want to do all that the CNAs and nurses do. It scares me; I feel inadequate, incapable. But that work has to be done, and the professionals don\u2019t work at my home around the clock. They touch base and come if something serious is going on. The CNAs come for a short time each morning for the 5-day work week. The rest of the time I\u2019m the CNA, and if I\u2019m lucky, one of my daughters happens to be here\u2014and so far I\u2019ve been REALLY lucky. They bring their computers over to my kitchen and WORK online from my house. Wow, I\u2019m thankful for the internet so that they can do that\u2026 and I\u2019m thankful for their jobs and bosses who let them work online\u2026  Really thankful today for all of that \ud83d\ude0a. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those daughters whom I dare to call \u201cmine\u201d deserve some kudos! They have been better at this than I have. They were undaunted by the circumstances thrust upon us. They saw my weaknesses and moved in to share the load and to encourage me in my new role.  And it didn\u2019t hurt that my youngest, Teresa, happened to have taken a CNA class in high school [under Lorraine Klein \u2013 thank you, Lorraine!]. Emma and I are so happy when Teresa is with us to do any care, since she is confident and does her work beautifully and professionally. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what does all that have to do with dementia?<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In hoping I can help someone down the line, I\u2019ll just say this: \u201cDid you know that dementia can make the brain stop controlling such things as the bladder?\u201d So my dear husband has to have a catheter in for the rest of his life, which is pretty miserable for him. A few years ago, Denny had to undergo several tests and scans to see if something was wrong with the prostate. Nothing was wrong. He should have been able to empty his bladder without a problem. The mention of dementia FIRST came from the UROLOGIST after that report came through. We all thought the UROLOGIST was crazy. But he was right! And we didn\u2019t come to that realization for two more years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I didn\u2019t know such a thing could happen as a result of dementia, and I imagine there is someone else out there who doesn\u2019t know that as well. I\u2019m hoping to reach anyone out there who has a loved one with a similar problem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doing humble service<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The nurses and CNAs care for \u201cthat area\u201d and help to mitigate any problems which arise, which can be serious actually\u2014and we found that out last Friday, when there WERE problems that were QUITE serious and caused my husband much pain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For those of you who might appreciate a Christian perspective, I think of Jesus at \u201cThe Last Supper\u201d, when he stooped to wash the disciples\u2019 feet. He took on the lowliest of jobs, and then told his disciples that they should also wash one another\u2019s feet. He instructed them that He set an example for them that they should do as He had done for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I see our serving one another, our stooping to take care of one another\u2019s most basic needs, as a blessing that God asks of us. He wants us serving one another as HE did. So I reiterate with my \u201cprayer\u201d that started this post\u2026 \u201cThis present time \u2013 being a caretaker for a loved one with dementia \u2013 may it teach me to be all that I can be for another human being. May it be the life event that defines me.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This point in time for me is where \u201cthe rubber meets the road\u201d: How serious am I about being what the above writing encourages?  How serious am I about dying to self and helping another?  I have been a very selfish woman in my thought life, I think. It\u2019s time to say to myself, \u201cPick yourself up by your bootstraps and grow up, Claire! It\u2019s time to think of someone else, not just your own comfort.\u201d It\u2019s hard being me when I want to be something better. But isn\u2019t it nice that each day gives us another chance at it. I love the song, \u201cMorning Has Broken\u201d – \u2026 \u201clike the first morning\u2026\u201d We have a chance every morning to make our life better, to better live the life we know God wants us to live, to think of others more highly than ourselves. I am grateful that we always get another chance to better ourselves. How does it make you feel that I keep changing from \u201cI\u201d to \u201cwe\u201d?  Do you get the idea that I\u2019m hoping for some company in this pursuit?  Then we can all discuss our failures and encourage one another to keep at it! HELP!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thanks for letting me share all that. I benefited in my mind and spirit as I typed through all this.  I am grateful for this blog allowing me to work out all my issues, and for those of you patiently enduring my ramblings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll be talking about another part of the Stockdale Paradox next post. Hoping to see you then!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

NOTE:  The following post was written shortly before my husband died on April 30, 2023. I have decided to post it as written, since it has valuable content.  This present time \u2013 being a caretaker for a loved one with dementia \u2013 may it teach me to be all that I can be for another …<\/p>\n

Stockdale Paradox<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2309,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2307","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/James_Stockdale_Formal_Portrait.jpg",1280,1825,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/James_Stockdale_Formal_Portrait-150x150.jpg",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/James_Stockdale_Formal_Portrait-210x300.jpg",210,300,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/James_Stockdale_Formal_Portrait-768x1095.jpg",768,1095,true],"large":["https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/James_Stockdale_Formal_Portrait-718x1024.jpg",718,1024,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/James_Stockdale_Formal_Portrait-1077x1536.jpg",1077,1536,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/James_Stockdale_Formal_Portrait.jpg",1280,1825,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Betty Hitchcock","author_link":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/author\/dd_claire\/"},"uagb_comment_info":4,"uagb_excerpt":"NOTE:  The following post was written shortly before my husband died on April 30, 2023. I have decided to post it as written, since it has valuable content.  This present time \u2013 being a caretaker for a loved one with dementia \u2013 may it teach me to be all that I can be for another…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2307"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2307"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2307\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2542,"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2307\/revisions\/2542"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2309"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2307"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2307"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dancingthroughdementia.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2307"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}